An answer worth living

Something is going to happen... I can feel it.  I felt it all day watching TV with the pups on my lap sleeping.  They were so beautiful.  I felt it in the sunset during my walk around the farm, and when I turned to the other horizon there was a full moon white and shining.  Mother moon.  There is a positive tension and I love the anticipation.  Maybe it is just because it was Friday the 13th but it was cool. I wonder what will happen?  So many things are set in motion I can't take it!!!  This semester with all that I am doing, so many possibilities for this summer!  And Spain! yes, Morocco!  How can I ever be not thankful for what I have been able to do so far and what I get to do every day.  Whoa! I should go to bed... g'night.

so in all this sorting and organizing I found a random notebook with these things written in it.  I think I was in 7th or 8th grade.  I want to preserve them forever.  It is deep stuff for how old I was.

Friends from near and far I think of once a day, hoping that they think of me, even in the summer.

The stars above, are the one's I love, the moon in the sky, is god's eye, the sun when it shines, I wish it were mine.

We're blind to the path of life always turning and twisting except for the few glances ahead when it straightens out a bit, the future.  We look behind and it's straight so we can remember the past.  Of course the present path is the only thing that seems real.

Love is not what you want to think it is.  It does not come quickly when you call for it, but meanders down its slow path towards your direction and sometimes it won't even hear your plea to come.

Dreams are so wierd.

Last night I dreamt that I was living in a quad with four girls, no idea who, and my 1st boyfriend, who I dated for three years, came back and said he wanted to get back together.  It has been a year and a half since we broke up and we have not talked or seen each other since but in my dream I readily took him back.  Suddenly my most recent exboyfriend shows up and also wants to get back together.  I realize that I would love to get back with him so I tell the other to go home.  The first gets super mad and has a gun, and knife threatens to kill the second and runs his truck into the dorm.   There are para medics who take him away. And the dream ends.

The next dream starts with me going down this long slide, like the kind at the fair with gunny sacks, with another girl (behind me) who is my best friend (but I don't know her).  We pass buy other people, a baby, a puppy, guys working on a highway.  There is another girl farther behind us who is also our friend but we tend to leave her in the dust most of the time.  The whole way down we are talking and laughing. Finally we get to the bottom but there is no way to stop so we just hit the wall.  We get off and hope we have enough time to ride it one more time before it closes. dream ends.

this has many meanings that i don't feel like explaining right now.

Last night I dreamt that this guy from my college, whom I have never spoken to before, came to me and told me he loved me.  He wanted me to know his whole history and why he had seemed so fake before.  He had this wierd slide show movie to show me about how he had dyed his hair, denied his true interests to become cool, and now he said he wanted to change and he wanted me to know everything.  I was a little wierded out by this but I felt so comfortable with him because I knew that he was truely trying to be honest and I wanted to be the same way. 

I also dreamt that I was on the train with my family again and our car started running away but we got it to stop.  We got out and there was this wierd stream that was kind of spooky.  A birdlike person came out of it and we were feeding it crackers.  Then there was a slidethat went down into the stream.  Sort of like a slip n' slide.  At the bottom if you did not get on the "escalator" to get back up again there was a danger of slipping into the deep part of the pond and getting drowned or lost or something.  I think that is how the bird human was created.

I have a hard time waking up in the morning.  I wonder if I have sleep apnia. I think my dream means that I am afraid of getting sucked into something that will change me in a way that I don't want to be changed and that I feel like people are not honest with me.  Or maybe I am not being honest with myself or others.  Well, we'll see how this next part of my life goes.

I am so proud of myself.  I clean the whole basement today which is no simple task.  It took me from 9am-8pm.  But it was so fun!!! I love organizing things so the day went by pretty fast.  I threw away so many things and dusted and vaccuumed.  I poured bleach all over the floor to clean up some mold.  Bleach burns your nose, did you know that?  So I had a bloody nose for the second half of the day.  I organized all my old toys and put them where they won't get moldy.  I got to look at my mom's painting and pottery.  I know that she doesn't want those distroyed so I packaged them up better than they were.  I organized my dad's whole shop full of tools and old computers.  I looked through what he saves from the past about me and my sisters and mom.  I cried a bit but that is okay because all this cleaning feels so good and hopeful.  This house is getting to be more liveable.  My back hurts and I feel dried out but I am in one of the best moods ever.  I also finished this book on a prayer from saint Francis and it made me have a renewed feeling of faith and spirituality.  I have so much hope right now I could burst.  I am alive!

ugh.... Today I am cleaning out my dad's kitchen to get ready for his remodeling.  It is really gross.  Many of the cupboard's have not been cleaned since my mom moved us to the cities.  10 year's worth of grim and nastiness.  Plus there I still some food that she bought that hasn't been used, couscous and some spices.  It is really hard to do this.  It brings up so many childhood memories and it is hard to see how much of a bachlor my dad is.  He does care about half of the stuff and I am trying to save what I might want to show my kids some day.  It is fun to.  To see old containers for food and it feels good to wash all that dirt away.  This House is transforming into soemthing different and one day it will not share so much with the memories of my childhood before the accident.  Then maybe I can come visit and not be so sad.

10/10/2004

I found this poem online today and I never want to forget it. It describes exactly how I believe:

To believe is to know that every day is a new beginning. It is to trust that miracles happen, and dreams really do come true. To believe is to see angels dancing among the clouds,To know the wonder of a star dust sky And the wisdom of the man in the moon. To believe is to know the value of a nurturing heart,The innocence of a child's eyes and the beauty of an aging hand,For it is through their teachings we learn to love. To believe is to know we are not alone,That life is a gift and this is our time to cherish it. To believe is to find the strength and courage that lies within us. When it is time to pick up the pieces and begin again. To believe is to know that wonderful surprises Are just waiting to happen,And all our hopes and dreams are within reach. If Only We Believe.

It is really hard for me to read some of the sutff that I posted this fall because it is hard to believe that is me.  I was so happy after finding myself after traveling and then I had a relapse when I dated Scott.  He made me so unsure of myself.  And now I feel like I am back to the old me and I am not going to let that happen again.  Life is wierd like that.  I really didn't think I was going to survive at first.  All that worry.  So glad it is gone.  Anxiety sucks.  But that is what I have learned:  No matter what I will always be okay in the end.  It is just the process that is hard if you cannot try to enjoy it.  So this blog is now my more discrioptive self, and the other is more for me to be kind of artisitic.  I want to write more just because it is really interesting to go back and read it a later and remember what I was thinking then. I always feel older than the person I was yesterday (well duh I am) but older and wiser.  This is a new year and it is gonna be just and great and crazy as all the years before it.

So I forgot that I had started two blogs and I have another one that I will probably keep more up to date but I thought I would at least bring these two together. Well, my favorite ones from the previous one.

10/10/2004

I am making choclate chip cookies for my host family. I just took the first batch out of the oven and they actually worked. I wasn't sure because I didn't have baking powder and I had not way of measuring. I have made chocolate chip cookies about a million times though and so i guess I knew what I was doing. Last night I went out with friends to a club and the club was actually pretty good but my drinking equation was not. I think the vodka I had was bad or maybe I hadn't eaten enough. ooohh was I sick! and today I am dizzy and feeling pukey. I now remember why I don't drink very often. Why do I always forget? or do I just know that I am gonna get sick and jsut don't care? Well, back to cookies!

10/12/2004

so today was an awesome day. The kind of day I live for where everything seems to work out to make me feel good. I got an email from Tim. He seems afraid that I will leave him and we haven't even started!!! I went to my host sisters english class and I think I want to teach english as a second language someday. I loved the kids! I had a huge test that didn't even bother me I felt so good. Oh! I found out that my family in morocco has 6 kids! What am I gonna do! It's all so exciting!
10/10/2004	Edit	Believe

10/12/2004

~teach english as a second language
~become a massuese
~be a bar tender
~go to graduate school
~get married by the time I am 26
~have kids before I am 30 (if I am married)
~go to Japan
~backpack through Europe
~ride in a hot air balloon
~go sky diving
~get a scuba liscence
~write a book
~go surfing
~play at least one round of real golf and enjoy it
~learn one more language intermediately well
~go snowboarding
~go cliffdiving
~learn to play the bag pipes and the guitar
~take a road trip

I am worried about what will happen when I go home over break.  I want to spend a lot of time with Scott but I am afraid that he will not want to spend as much time with me.  I am afraid of meeting clare and I am afraid of making her mad.  I want Scott to pay more attention to me but I know he is doing all he can.  I am afriad of STD's and pregnancy.  I am worried about if I should decide to graduate early. I am worried about what I am going to do for a career.  I am afraid that Scott is going to have sex with Clare and not tell me.  I am afriad that he is holding something back from me.  I am worried that I am going to become anti-social.  I am afraid that people think I am a loser.  I am worried about the drama in AST.  I am worried about Sarah and her drinking.  I am mad that I had to clean up after her.  I am annoyed that the room is not clean.  I am afraid to tell Scott how I really feel about him.  I am afraid that I will scare him away.  I worry about when he doesn't call.  I am afraid to say goodbye first in case he has something else to say.  I miss him so much.  I am worried that I will have anxiety forever and won't be able to deal with it.  I am worried that I don't know myself very well anymore.  I am worried that Scott won't want to work at camp next summer.  I am worried that I won't be able to work there.  I am worried about how I just want to settle down and have a family.  I am worried that that might not be what I want.  I am worried that there will be competition between me and clare.  I really want her to just give in and stay away from Scott but I want him to be happy and I want us to be able to make this work.  I want to find a guy I can talk to and hang out with.  I am worried that I will be alone for the rest of my life.