Last night I dreamt that I was getting a boat ready for children to fish and tube from. The boat house was by a fairly quiet ocean as I readied ropes and fishing gear. I took the boat out for a test run and it was fine. but when I came back the tide had come in and washed away all the gear except for the tube, which was extreamely small. I search for more rope as the children arrived and the waves got higher. My father was going to drive the boat and I told all the children to hold on as a huge wave picked up the boat. I could see that we were going to land on the boat house, which we did, and then the wave pulled us out to sea. Trucks from neighbor's driveways were also being pulled into the ocean. The waves were so huge that I thought I would be lost but they also seemed not to threaten my life. I stayed above water without having to swim. I remember being tossed about in the waves so at one time I must have fallen out of the boat. We ended up all okay the next day in our house.
Then the dream changes to me getting on a bus. I see a guy from my gradeschool who I haven't seen in 7 years and his mother. They get on and I am talking to them and others. Then the bus turns into a train and something happens that I don't like so I want to rewind the dream and fix it. But however I am pushing rewind only makes the dream go in slow motion forward and I can't change anything.
My life is changing again. Every 3-6 months I am moving again. Either to college or home again or to a job or a different country. I am not going to hurry up and tell you my life story up to this point. I am sure things will come up, but the goal of this is to tell my life as it is happening now. My dreams show how stressed I get about these changes. I know that I thrive on change, or at least I used to, and so I will be able to survive. Somehow though, I think my subconcious disagrees. Maybe it's right this time. I have met a man who has changed how I view many things, though I am not sure he knows that. He makes me want to be a better person and I want to be with him for the rest of my life. I am afraid of this change because it will bring me farther away from him and not closer. Many people would say that "if we are ment to be together then we will always find eachother again." Unfortunately I am sure he thinks that way. Sure, I know he loves me now and wants to work witht this long distance, but I am still afriad due to the effects of my last relationship. Everytime I say goodbye I feel like it is the last time that I will get to see him as my boyfriend. He says he falls in and out of love easily and I know that long distance probably won't help that. I need to make myself not talk to him. I have too much time on my hands and I need to busy it with thoughts that are not of him. If I think of him I just want to talk to him. We both are not too good on the phone, but I am hoping that will improve with time. I don't want to appear clingy. But from far away it could look like that.
I am also worried about college. It doesn't excite me like it used to. Life is not like a classroom, it is much messier. I would rather have a job where I feel useful. I sm sick of just sitting around wasting time as I pretend to learn stuff and have a social life. I always thought that college would be for me but maybe I was wrong. I fell ike I need to get out into the world and actually do something. Maybe studying abroad so early was a bad idea. I feel like my college experience is fulfilled and I can get on with life.
Why am I in such a rush? there will never be anything better. I know that. I just find one thing that makes me happy and I want to hold onto it forever instead of letting go and turning to something new. I only welcome new things when I am already unhappy or just bored.
