September 28, 2005

Worry therapy

I am worried that scott will forget about me.  That he will meet someone else that he likes so much that he would break up with me to be with.  I am worried that he will break up with me without me getting any warning about it.  I am worried he will not tell me things for fear that it would make me jealous.  I am worried that he will care about another girl and forget about me.  I am afraid that maybe he is gay.  I am afraid that he is superficial even though i know that he is a really great and understanding person.  I am afraid that he will do things for me that he really doesn't want to do.  I am afraid that he will have some sort of sex with another girl and only tell me later on.  I am afraid that my dad will die before I am done with college. I am afriad that me dad will lose the business.  I am afraid that I want to grow up too fast.  I am worried that my mom is depressed.  I am afraid of drinking too much so I don't drink at all.  I am afraid of ending up never getting married and having a family.  I am afraid of only pursuing my career because I am afraid of getting emotionally involved. I am afraid of having no friends.  I worry about what others think about me. I worry about what I think about myself.  I worry what I eat.  I am afraid of gaining too much weight.  I am afraid of not eating healthy.  I am afraid of getting another anxiety attack and not being able to control it.  I am afraid of exercising too much.  I am afriad of relaxing so much that I forget something.  I am worried that I won't live up to others expectations. I am worried about being too confident and seeming cocky or full of myself.  I am afraid of being selfish.  I am worried that I will unconsciously hurt another person's feelings so much that it will make me a social outcast.  I am afraid of leading a guy on.  I am afriad of having a friendship with a guy because he or I may want it to be more.  I am worried that scott and I won't stay together as long as I hope.  I am worried that he will have fun without me and forget about me.  I am afraid that he will think that I am not smart enough or not beautiful enough.  I am worried that I have been very negative.  I am worried about my sorority.  I am afriad that some sisters will reflect badly on it.  I am afraid that we won't get enough new members. I am worried that I will forget something.  I am worried that i don't have enough individual interests.  I am afraid that I will sleep in and miss a class or work.  I am worried about not finding a job after college.  I am worried about what I am going to do with the rest of my life.  I am worried that my sisters won't be able to go to college.  I am afraid of rushing myself.  I worry that I am much to passionate in all my actions and feelings.  I am afraid that I won't be able to control my feelings.  I am afraid that I will foget to eat.  I am worried about drinking bad water.  I worry about what I am going to do over break if scott doesn't want to hang out with me.  I am afraid that I will feel hurt or that I should feel hurt if he doesn't want to hang out with me.  I am worried that I worry so much.
Posted by Jeni at 02:45:18 | Permanent Link | Comments (0) |

September 06, 2005

the sinking feeling

So I have been here at college for a week and it has been quite interesting.  I haven't been eating right and i feel like I am screwing myself up with worry and nervousness.  At first I thought that I didn't want to be here, but now I think it is more that I have a social anxiety.  I like hanging out with people but I have a hard time motivating myself to actually do it and then I spend a lot of time being afraid of it.  I don't really have many "sisters" that I want to hang out with so i spend most of my time in my room.  I get this sinking feeling almost every night when i am getting done with my homework and I want to talk to my boyfriend but I know he will be busy and I have nothing else to do but either try to hang out with other people or just hang out with myself.  I think maybe I have really isolated myself in thsi sorority.  I have friends outside but I don't reach out to them much.  Plus I am really very busy.  I should call Mel more often.  I need to just enjoy the time that I am here.

Posted by Jeni at 01:52:04 | Permanent Link | Comments (0) |