An answer worth living

Dreams are so wierd.

Last night I dreamt that I was living in a quad with four girls, no idea who, and my 1st boyfriend, who I dated for three years, came back and said he wanted to get back together.  It has been a year and a half since we broke up and we have not talked or seen each other since but in my dream I readily took him back.  Suddenly my most recent exboyfriend shows up and also wants to get back together.  I realize that I would love to get back with him so I tell the other to go home.  The first gets super mad and has a gun, and knife threatens to kill the second and runs his truck into the dorm.   There are para medics who take him away. And the dream ends.

The next dream starts with me going down this long slide, like the kind at the fair with gunny sacks, with another girl (behind me) who is my best friend (but I don't know her).  We pass buy other people, a baby, a puppy, guys working on a highway.  There is another girl farther behind us who is also our friend but we tend to leave her in the dust most of the time.  The whole way down we are talking and laughing. Finally we get to the bottom but there is no way to stop so we just hit the wall.  We get off and hope we have enough time to ride it one more time before it closes. dream ends.

this has many meanings that i don't feel like explaining right now.

Last night I dreamt that this guy from my college, whom I have never spoken to before, came to me and told me he loved me.  He wanted me to know his whole history and why he had seemed so fake before.  He had this wierd slide show movie to show me about how he had dyed his hair, denied his true interests to become cool, and now he said he wanted to change and he wanted me to know everything.  I was a little wierded out by this but I felt so comfortable with him because I knew that he was truely trying to be honest and I wanted to be the same way. 

I also dreamt that I was on the train with my family again and our car started running away but we got it to stop.  We got out and there was this wierd stream that was kind of spooky.  A birdlike person came out of it and we were feeding it crackers.  Then there was a slidethat went down into the stream.  Sort of like a slip n' slide.  At the bottom if you did not get on the "escalator" to get back up again there was a danger of slipping into the deep part of the pond and getting drowned or lost or something.  I think that is how the bird human was created.

I have a hard time waking up in the morning.  I wonder if I have sleep apnia. I think my dream means that I am afraid of getting sucked into something that will change me in a way that I don't want to be changed and that I feel like people are not honest with me.  Or maybe I am not being honest with myself or others.  Well, we'll see how this next part of my life goes.

Last night I dreamt that I was getting a boat ready for children to fish and tube from.  The boat house was by a fairly quiet ocean as I readied ropes and fishing gear.  I took the boat out for a test run and it was fine.  but when I came back the tide had come in and washed away all the gear except for the tube, which was extreamely small.  I search for more rope as the children arrived and the waves got higher.  My father was going to drive the boat and I told all the children to hold on as a huge wave picked up the boat.  I could see that we were going to land on the boat house, which we did, and then the wave pulled us out to sea.  Trucks from neighbor's driveways were also being pulled into the ocean. The waves were so huge that I thought I would be lost but they also seemed not to threaten my life.  I stayed above water without having to swim. I remember being tossed about in the waves so at one time I must have fallen out of the boat.  We ended up all okay the next day in our house. 

Then the dream changes to me getting on a bus.  I see a guy from my gradeschool who I haven't seen in 7 years and his mother.  They get on and I am talking to them and others.  Then the bus turns into a train and something happens that I don't like so I want to rewind the dream and fix it.  But however I am pushing rewind only makes the dream go in slow motion forward and I can't change anything.

My life is changing again.  Every 3-6 months I am moving again.  Either to college or home again or to a job or a different country.  I am not going to hurry up and tell you my life story up to this point.  I am sure things will come up, but the goal of this is to tell my life as it is happening now.  My dreams show how stressed I get about these changes.  I know that I thrive on change, or at least I used to, and so I will be able to survive.  Somehow though, I think my subconcious disagrees.  Maybe it's right this time.  I have met a man who has changed how I view many things, though I am not sure he knows that.  He makes me want to be a better person and I want to be with him for the rest of my life.  I am afraid of this change because it will bring me farther away from him and not closer.  Many people would say that "if we are ment to be together then we will always find eachother again."  Unfortunately I am sure he thinks that way.  Sure, I know he loves me now and wants to work witht this long distance, but I am still afriad due to the effects of my last relationship.  Everytime I say goodbye I feel like it is the last time that I will get to see him as my boyfriend.  He says he falls in and out of love easily and I know that long distance probably won't help that.  I need to make myself not talk to him.  I have too much time on my hands and I need to busy it with thoughts that are not of him.  If I think of him I just want to talk to him.  We both are not too good on the phone, but I am hoping that will improve with time. I don't want to appear clingy.  But from far away it could look like that.

I am also worried about college.  It doesn't excite me like it used to.  Life is not like a classroom, it is much messier.  I would rather have a job where I feel useful.  I sm sick of just sitting around wasting time as I pretend to learn stuff and have a social life.  I always thought that college would be for me but maybe I was wrong.  I fell ike I need to get out into the world and actually do something.  Maybe studying abroad so early was a bad idea.  I feel like my college experience is fulfilled and I can get on with life. 

Why am I in such a rush?  there will never be anything better.  I know that.  I just find one thing that makes me happy and I want to hold onto it forever instead of letting go and turning to something new.  I only welcome new things when I am already unhappy or just bored.